It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
