No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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