Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
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She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.