Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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