I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
