She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.