I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
