I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
