I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
