She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
