do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
