she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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