hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
