You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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