Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
