ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
