party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
