I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
