I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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