He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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