got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your cock deserves a montage
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
