final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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