your parents love me but you hate me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
