I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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