She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's blow job season.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
