the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
