Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can I color on your dick again?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
