She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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