in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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