Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.