I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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