Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it's like heaven, but drunker
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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