Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
