there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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