Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
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I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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