I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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