When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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