Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
