nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am one with the molecules
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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