there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
