Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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