if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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