So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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