I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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