sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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