Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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