I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
