they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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