He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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