U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
