she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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