So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
please come you make the beer taste better
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
