at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
