dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
