Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
