What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
