I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?