But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.