i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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