Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
