I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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